3/25/2023 0 Comments Retrospective jealousyIt doesn't matter why someone is abusive towards you, no reason is 'good enough' to excuse it. The work has to be done by him, there is nothing you can do or say that's going to make this ok. The focus needs to go back on him, what is he doing to fix this, what is he doing to make sure his mental health issues don't damage your relationship, what steps does HE need to take to get these anxieties under control and stop asking these questions. I expect you could come up with a better tailored response, but I'd start shutting this behaviour down. It's a variation on a technique we've been told to use with anxious DD, as big explanations and multiple reassurances don't actually help. Discussing the past doesn't help either of us, so that's all I'm saying." Then any further questions replies are along the lines of, "I've already said everything I'll say on that," shut it down. I'd think of a stock reply, like, "We both know you're asking because of your anxiety, nothing has changed, you're the person I love. You cannot possibly reassure him enough and too much reassurance can actually have the opposite effect. I'd tell him beforehand, but I'd wouldn't be discussing past relationships or past sex life with him anymore. It doesn't sound like it's gotten better in the time you've been together? Is he trying everything he can? Different therapies, different medications, taking full responsibility for his behaviour every time? I think taking a break while he works on it is a good suggestion. Has anyone had any experience of a partner with Retroactive Jealousy, does it get better, can he overcome it? ![]() We've been together for 4 years and this is the only thing we argue about. I love him so much but his OCD /retroactive jealousy is making me wonder if we are ever going to be happy. I don't feel like this is ever going to go away. I honestly don't feel he's got anything to complain about! We have a brilliant sex life, it's regular, varied, we experiment. He is fixated with how much sex I have had in past relationships, did I fancy them more, was I more horny, why did I want to have that type of sex in the past or that frequently but not as frequently with him. We're both divorced and we both had pretty crappy marriages and in every other way he is perfect and we are really happy but this feels like such a big thing that we constantly argue about. I WISH I had realised and deleted it from everywhere) But, he's deliberately gone looking for this again on my laptop rather than me leave it somewhere he would find it. I deleted it immediately from my phone and assumed it was just gone forever, well apparently not from the laptop ( I assumed it was gone but iCloud had it saved on my laptop. I'd never looked at it again after it was made it. He has invaded my privacy before and looked at my phone and found this same video, (around 2/3 years ago) at the time he was distraught, I was mortified, (and angry he'd been snooping) but it was only on there as I had forgotten it was there. We've spent the evening together tonight, had a lovely evening, nice dinner, wine, went to bed and then after he starts asking questions about my previous relationship again, I try to deflect it and remind him how much I love him and then he confesses that he's looked on my laptop when I lent it to his daughter to do some homework and found an old video of me having sex with my previous boyfriend who he obsesses about. I know this comes from his own insecurities but it's getting to the point where it's really impacting our relationship. He is seeing therapists, talking to people about it and has joined support groups but there is this constant issue in that he is highly anxious and constantly asks intrusive questions about my sexual past. he suffers from OCD and specifically retroactive jealousy. ![]() He's caring, thoughtful, a brilliant Dad, really involved with his own kids and is a fantastic role model to my children. ![]() In most areas, everything is perfect, he is a great lover, we travel really well together, I really enjoy spending time with him. I've been in a relationship with an amazing man for 4 years.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. ArchivesCategories |